Mental health tips for coping with infertility and family building challenges
Many people facing challenges in building their family also experience mental health difficulties as a result. Here are some signs you may benefit from mental health support:
You’re having trouble sleeping or waking up in the middle of the night with anxiety or panic
You’re feeling stuck, such as in the process of adoption, fertility treatment cycles, or about what family building options to explore next
You need to grieve a loss, such as an unsuccessful IVF cycle, pregnancy loss, not being able to have a biological child, or being childless not by choice
If you’re struggling, I strongly recommend seeking therapy out for support. However, if you’re in transition to see a therapist (i.e. still looking or on a waitlist) and need mental health support in the meantime, I’ve gathered some tips below to support you through family building challenges.
Tips for yourself
Try journaling as an outlet for your thoughts and emotions
“Free form journaling (i.e. without specific prompts, such as what you’re thinking and feeling that day or processing heavy feelings of loss and grief
Gratitude journaling (i.e. writing what you’re grateful for)
Brain dumping (i.e. dumping all your thoughts and feelings into paper, especially before bed)
Try breathing strategies to calm your body and mind
If you’re someone who likes traditional “deep breathing”, try 4-7-8 breathing (inhaling for 4, holding for 7, and exhaling for 8) or 4-4-6 breathing (inhaling for 4, holding for 4, and exhaling for 6)
If you are someone who doesn’t like deep breathing, I recommend trying exhale-only breathing. This is essentially deep exhaling or sighing without the deep inhaling and holding part.
Practice mindfulness to decrease anxiety
Ask yourself, what do I know to be true right now? It works because you are re-focusing your attention on the present moment, as opposed to worrying about the past or future.
Practice grounding strategies
Grounding strategies are a form of healthy distraction. They help you to detach from emotional pain and elevated anxiety or panic.
think about 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste
describe your environment in great detail using all your senses (observing objects or furniture in the room, textures, sounds, colors, etc.)
run cold or warm water over your hands (whatever feels good to you)
plan a treat for yourself after a hard day, such as a warm bath or shower, your favorite Starbucks drink, or a dinner to look forward to in the evening
Reflect on your social media use and make changes as you see fit
If you’re struggling with making comparisons to others you’re connected to on social media, consider reflecting on your social media use. Then, you may choose to limit your time spent on social media or take a break from it entirely.
Tips for your relationships with others in your life
Think about what support you need from others (partner, friends, or family) to help you get through this tough time and ask for it.
You’re allowed to tell your loved ones how you’re feeling and what you need from them to better support you; in fact, they may appreciate knowing concrete ways they can make you feel supported and loved. Maybe you need some healthy distraction in the form of watching a movie or ordering takeout with your partner or friends. Or maybe you want to “vent” about everything going on to your best friend now but then don’t want to talk about it again for a while.
Discuss with your partner what you are comfortable and uncomfortable disclosing to your family and friends ahead of time, whether that be about your infertility diagnosis, fertility treatment you are going through/have gone through, challenges in family building you are facing, and/or the loss you experienced. Decide how you want to respond to questions or comments from family and friends.
This will help keep you and your partner on the same page when you receive questions or potentially triggering comments from well-meaning friends and family. It is not uncommon to have differing opinions about what you are comfortable sharing with your social circle; it may take a while for you and your partner to talk through and negotiate how much to disclose to others.
Identify what your limits are with your partner, family, friends, or coworkers, and set boundaries accordingly. Be mindful of avoiding social interactions entirely.
Maybe you are choosing to skip a family member’s child’s 1st birthday party in order to preserve your own mental health since you have been trying so hard to build your family and currently feel hopeless about the prospect of becoming a parent. In this case, perhaps you set the boundary that you will not be attending the baby shower and choose to send a gift instead.
However, maybe you choose to go to your best friend’s baby shower because you want to support her, she has been supportive of you, and you are genuinely excited for her. In this case, maybe you let your friend know in advance you will be going but it may be hard for you to stay the whole time, so you may leave to take a break about halfway and then come back. Or maybe you get involved in having a certain “job” at the baby shower because it gives you something to focus on and allows you to be present for your best friend’s celebration.
Try the 20-minute rule
If you’re struggling with feeling as though all you and your partner (or family or friends) talk about is your adoption, family building journey, fertility treatment you’re going through, or other related family building topics and you want to limit the time you are spending talking about it, you may find the 20-minute rule helpful. The 20-minute rule means you spend 20 minutes per day talking about the difficulty you’re facing (family building challenges, fertility treatment, etc.). The 20-minute rule may also feel helpful if you feel as though you and your partner tend to avoid emotional discussions.
The time limit can also be adjusted to what you think is appropriate. For example, if you hang out with a friend, maybe you want to talk about the update on your family building journey for only 5 minutes and you want to spend the rest of the time enjoying each other’s company and talking about other parts of your lives.
This article was published in Resolve New England’s magazine 2022, Volume 3.
https://publ.resolvenewengland.org/rne-magazine-2022-volume-3/index.html
If you’re struggling with your mental health as a result of facing challenges growing your family, please do not hesitate to seek help
If you are interested in working with me as your therapist, reach out to me here
Here are some resources specific to infertility and family building challenges: www.katieaguayolicsw.com/perinatalmentalhealthresources
